Dr. Phil on Making Major Decisions

"We all face times in life when we find ourselves in a situation that's so lousy, we're ready to run headlong for anything, anyone, or anyplace. We're desperately looking for something different, without regard for whether it's better, healthier, or even what we want. We just have to get out, so the plan is "Ready, fire, aim!"

Sometimes it may be okay to shoot and then declare what you hit as your target -- but not when we're talking about your marriage, your career, or your life goals. That's why every time you're looking at a major decision, your first test should be to make certain you're running toward something instead of running from something. You need to ask yourself, "Is this an escape-based decision or a target-based decision?" If it's the former, you may be going from the proverbial frying pan right into the fire.

Think back to geometry class: You can't make a straight line unless you can connect two points. When all you've got is a starting place but no destination, you're left with just a dot. How can you plot the trajectory of your life that way? The only direction you're headed in is "Not here!"

That's not good enough.

...Escape-based choices are almost always disastrous, because they solve only half the problem. Target-based decisions at least have a shot at being successful, so keep that in mind every time you have a significant choice to make. Don't be pushed away from what you don't want; let yourself be pulled toward what you do want. I'm not saying your end goals can't change -- of course they might. But don't tell yourself, "So what if this isn't what I'd hoped for? Heck, it beats what I've got." You deserve better."

-Dr.Phil,  read Make The Right Decisions

How to spot an abuser before it get serious

Being in love and have a history of being abused?
How can you prevent yourself from getting into the same situation again?

This is a very good and long row of questions to ask yourself:

How to spot an abusive partner on the first dates By Sam Vaknin

There is a certain pattern going on in potential abusive people.
Make sure that you recognize these!

Sam Vaknin is a keeper of not less then all nine personality-traits of a Narcissist, so we better listen well to his advices.

Trust

"Trust is a great summary measure of a society in which things are working well. Lack of trust, on the other hand, is a measure of how things do not work well in society. 

Why is this the case? Neuroeconomics studies have shown that when someone trusts you, your brain releases oxytocin. When the brain does that, you reciprocate.  So when we’re shown trust, our brains motivate us to be trustworthy. Therefore, countries in which trust is high have effective governments, they have very tight social structures, people interact very well with each other, and there’s a positive feedback loop. "

How important it is for this reason to continuing trusting others even if they sometimes fails, because it creates more motivation to the whole process of being trustworthy- in the whole society.

 A good idea to begin with perhaps may be to trust ourselves?

 If we do not trust ourselves, how can we expect others to do it? 

Tell yourself in the mirror: I am trustworthy! So; go out and let it be :)

Source: Think Big

Success or Failure ?

"The Danish physicist Niels Bohr once said "an expert is simply someone who has made all the mistakes there are to make in a narrow field."

The more we come to understand about the way we learn, the more Bohr's statement holds true. Our brains need us to make prediction errors in order to correct, amend and improve our performance. In short, improvement comes through failure. "

 Megan McArdle, author of The Up Side of Down: Why Failing Well Is the Key to Success      by BIG THINK EDITORS FEBRUARY 21, 2014, 12:00AM

Most businesses fail. Most products fail. Most relationships fail. Derek Jeter, one of the greatest baseball players of his generation, failed to get a hit 68.8 percent of the time. 

How is it that humans have been such a successful species if our endeavors are so defined by failure?

Luckily for us, we are incredibly resilient. 

To stick with the baseball analogy, everybody strikes out. The key is to maintain your composure, step back up to the plate the next time at bat and hit a home run. As Bill Gates, unquestionably one of the world's most successful entrepreneurs has said, "it’s fine to celebrate success, but more important are the lessons of failure." In the startup world, entrepreneurs are taught to fail quickly, learn and move on.
We all get advice, but it’s life experience and usually failure that teaches us the bigger lessons."

And even better, we CAN learn from other peoples failure, we do not actually have to do it all ourselves..

When life is weighing us down everything becomes heavier!

The Influence of Social Power on Weight Perception.

Lee, Eun Hee; Schnall, Simone
Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, Feb 3 , 2014, No Pagination Specified.

"Three studies explored whether social power affects the perception of physical properties of objects, testing the hypothesis that the powerless find objects to be heavier than the powerful do. Correlational findings from Study 1 revealed that people with a low personal sense of power perceived loaded boxes to be heavier than people with a high personal sense of power perceived them to be. In Study 2, experimentally manipulated power indicated that participants in the powerless condition judged the boxes to be heavier than did participants in the powerful condition. Study 3 further indicated that lacking power actively influences weight perception relative to a neutral control condition, whereas having power does not. Although much research on embodied perception has shown that various physiological and psychosocial resources influence visual perception of the physical environment, this is the first demonstration suggesting that power, a psychosocial construct that relates to the control of resources, changes the perception of physical properties of objects. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2014 APA, all rights reserved)"

Interesting findings,and no doubt real. Perhaps why many social "losers" end up on welfare!! So to get out of the circle, empowering people in some way would have good effect. To gain control over our own life is essential for our performance-level in all areas. And acceptance for the things we can not change!

Constructive Critisism

It can be hard to reach the heart when you have something on your mind and try to tell it to someone that need a little bit of correction. A good comment on this from Tim Harford, Big Think:
Constructive Criticism

Lottery-imaginations

Buying a lottery-ticket can undermine your self-control and activate materialistic thoughts.
The idea of gaining money without working or earning it have been considered by many as a form of greed. Now research shows that buying a lottery ticket also can make you spend more money (or eat more chocolate!) even if the winner is not even revealed yet.

  "The problem, according to a study published in the Journal of Consumer Research, is that for most people, a lottery ticket leads to thoughts of the wonderful things you would buy if you hit the -jackpot. That focus on concrete, specific items—a type of thinking psychologists call “low-level construal”—makes it very difficult to exercise self-control."....
"“...Self-control is perhaps one of the most important attributes that a person needs to succeed,” he adds. “Materialism has a negative impact on it, and that is of concern to not only individuals, but also society.”
Money flies!
The study also show that people who rather thinking of traveling instead of buying material things have more abstract and long term thinking, and for this reason are less negatively affected according to self control.

“Lottery-induced self-control failure is not universal,” Kim concludes. But his research suggests it is “predominant.” He adds that plenty of other activities also activate “a burst of materialistic thoughts,” including “media filled with lavish consumption.”

That’s why you can’t stop snacking on Bon-Bons as you leaf through Vanity Fair.

So catalysts creating a materialist mindset are all over, and purchasing a lottery ticket is a strong one. If you do so, go right home afterwards—and keep the computer off. Some of those online sales will probably look pretty enticing."

..You can read it here!

More about how to avoid buying too much : Awake Magasine June 2013

Do you know your limits?

A very interesting article in Scientific American shows how our abilities can expand beyond what we would think of, only by the expectations of it.
The placebo-effect in medicine is well known to us, but this studies take us further into the world of imagination:
"There seems to be a simple way to instantly increase a person’s level of general knowledge. Psychologists Ulrich Weger and Stephen Loughnan recently asked two groups of people to answer questions. People in one group were told that before each question, the answer would be briefly flashed on their screens — too quickly to consciously perceive, but slow enough for their unconscious to take it in. The other group was told that the flashes simply signaled the next question. In fact, for both groups, a random string of letters, not the answers, was flashed. But, remarkably, the people who thought the answers were flashed did better on the test. Expecting to know the answers made people more likely to get the answers right. "

(Maybe this do not mean that people that always think they are right actually is closer to the truth but it could have some interesting potential in some levels.. )

.."Our cognitive and physical abilities are in general limited, but our conceptions of the nature and extent of those limits may need revising. In many cases, thinking that we are limited is itself a limiting factor. There is accumulating evidence that suggests that our thoughts are often capable of extending our cognitive and physical limits..."
...
"Expectancies, such as expecting that one’s work will bring about health benefits, are capable of producing physiological outcomes. Learned associations, such as the association between being an Air Force pilot and having good vision, can alter other cognitive processes, such as visual perception. Meanwhile, placebo effects observed in clinical research work via expectancies and learned associations created by fake operations, sham drugs, etc. Such expectancies and learned associations have been shown to change the chemistry and circuitry of the brain. These changes may result in such physiological and cognitive outcomes as less fatigue, less immune system reaction, elevated hormone levels, and less anxiety. The interventions that resulted in better performance in a knowledge test or better vision are placebos outside of the clinical context. However, the chemical and neural mechanisms by which they operate are probably similar."

In other words, having low expectations will make us perhaps do a lower performance as this effect goes both ways. Other studies have indicated that we are more likely to fail if others or/we expect us to fail. ("others" may be the parents, friends,co-workers or spouses) 
If you find yourself in a environment where little or nothing is expected from you it could also be damaging your self-esteem. This may be at work or school where the tasks is not in proportions to your real skills, or in other specific situations like if you are ill and others "overdo" things to help you out.  

We can not always count on our thinking-power to solve all kinds of challenges, but it sure make a difference on the outcome in many cases. That brings to my mind the words of Jesus from Luke 17;5,6 :"Now the apostles said to the Lord: “Give us more faith.”Then the Lord said: “If ​YOU​ had faith the size of a mustard grain, ​YOU​ would say to this black mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea!’ and it would obey ​YOU."  

The proofs that our faith actually makes a difference should make us think a little longer into the ways to achieve more faith. 

Words of Anais Nin

Meaning of life vs "hedonic happiness"

What is the benefits of living a happy life? And how could we define "happy"?

Research shows an interesting connection between our immune system and feelings of happiness.

This have been known for a long time, but even more interesting is the distinction between "empty happiness" as in just being happy(feeling good) for having a good life, and "meaningful happiness" that comes from a life who has some form of higher meaning in it.

Surprisingly this article,a new study published in

 Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS)

 brings out that our physical state/defense is strengthened by living a meaningful life even when it does not make us very happy. And being happy but without deeper meaning gives our immune system the same pattern as if we were under stress! 

It suggests that actually having a meaningful life is the real benefit for our wellbeing, and if we feel particularly happy or not have less importance. 

"Happiness without meaning characterizes a relatively shallow, self-absorbed or even selfish life, in which things go well, needs and desire are easily satisfied, and difficult or taxing entanglements are avoided," the authors of the study wrote. "If anything, pure happiness is linked to not helping others in need.” While being happy is about feeling good, meaning is derived from contributing to others or to society in a bigger way. As Roy Baumeister, one of the researchers, told me, "Partly what we do as human beings is to take care of others and contribute to others. This makes life meaningful but it does not necessarily make us happy.”

If we sometimes struggle to help other people or our environment,  but do not feel the great happiness in our life  it it still is to our benefit. The deep satisfaction by knowing that what we do make a difference is more value than shallow feel-good.

We remember the words of Jesus "It is more happiness in giving than to receiving",and realize even more the truth that it holds- it is not only bringing true happiness, but healthy life.

Read more in the Atlantic

John Cleese - a lecture on Creativity

Being creative is fun and inspiring but how do we get there if we are overwhelmed by daily craves and tasks that seem to be never ending? The lightness and playfulness seem to drown sometimes into all the should-do during the day. At least that is for me a reality.
John Cleese is a great example on how to get going and remind playful! We just have to

1. set aside enough time for it to open up and let it in

2. give yourself space, without all the craves

3. wait some more time and see if something better comes up

4. wiew everything in the light of humor,(of course!) and

5 . have confidence; when you play and being creative there is no wrong or right, just be open for whatever that comes along! ..take a look at this lecture:




Well done, let`s put a moment in the schedule for this and see what happens!

Altruism

 Have you been known for being the one that never say no when someone ask for a favor? Would you be the first person in you family to be asked to do unpleasant things, in unpleasant hours? Maybe you are a little bit "Altruistic"! If you are a Christian you have already learned about the "new commandment", from John 13; 34,35. However, not all Christians are pure Altruists,nor all Altruists are Christians.
  According to Wikipedia....
"Altruism is the principle or practice of concern for the welfare of others. It is a traditional virtue in many cultures, and a core aspect of various religious traditions, though the concept of 'others' toward whom concern should be directed can vary among cultures and religions. Altruism is the opposite of selfishness.
Altruism can be distinguished from feelings of duty and loyalty. Altruism is a motivation to provide something of value to a party who must be anyone but oneself, while duty focuses on a moral obligation towards a specific individual (e.g., a god, a king), or collective (e.g., a government). Pure altruism consists of sacrificing something for someone other than the self (e.g. sacrificing time, energy or possessions) with no expectation of any compensation or benefits, either direct, or indirect (e.g., receiving recognition for the act of giving)."

Interesting to see the different ways to Altruism:
 .."There has been some debate on whether or not humans are truly capable of psychological altruism.^[19] Some definitions specify a self-sacrificial nature to altruism and a lack of external rewards for altruistic behaviors.^[20] However, because altruism ultimately benefits the self in many cases, the selflessness of altruistic acts is brought to question. The social exchange theory postulates that altruism only exists when benefits outweigh costs.^[21] Daniel Batson is a psychologist who examined this question and argues against the social exchange theory. He identified four major motives for altruism: altruism to ultimately benefit the self (egoism), to ultimately benefit the other person (altruism), to benefit a group (collectivism), or to uphold a moral principle (principlism). Altruism that ultimately serves selfish gains is thus differentiated from selfless altruism, but the general conclusion has been that empathy-induced altruism can be genuinely selfless.^[22] The empathy-altruism hypothesis basically states that psychological altruism does exist and is evoked by the empathic desire to help someone who is suffering. Feelings of empathic concern are contrasted with feelings of personal distress, which compel people to reduce their own unpleasant emotions. People with empathic concern help others in distress even when exposure to the situation could be easily avoided, whereas those lacking in empathic concern avoid helping unless it is difficult or impossible to avoid exposure to another's suffering."
..
" After controlling for prior health status, it was determined that volunteerism accounted for a 44% reduction in mortality.^[32] Merely being aware of kindness in oneself and others is also associated with greater well-being. A study that asked participants to count each act of kindness they performed for one week significantly enhanced their subjective happiness.^[33] It is important to note that, while research supports the idea that altruistic acts bring about happiness, it has also been found to work in the opposite direction—that happier people are also kinder. The relationship between altruistic behavior and happiness is bidirectional. Studies have found that generosity increases linearly from sad to happy affective states.^[34] Studies have also been careful to note that feeling over-taxed by the needs of others has conversely negative effects on health and happiness.^[30] For example, one study on volunteerism found that feeling overwhelmed by others' demands had an even stronger negative effect on mental health than helping had a positive one (although positive effects were still significant).^[35] Additionally, while generous acts make people feel good about themselves, it is also important for people to appreciate the kindness they receive from others. Studies suggest that gratitude goes hand-in-hand with kindness and is also very important for our well-being. A study on the relationship happiness to various character strengths showed that “a conscious focus on gratitude led to reductions in negative affect and increases in optimistic appraisals, positive affect, offering emotional support, sleep quality, and well-being.”^[36]..."

A conclusion to this must be that empathy-altruism  would be the most beneficial type behaviour(I think not only behavior but personality) for all parts, but however there is a downside- although evidently a person with this qualities truly benefit from the unselfish behavior it can be totally wrong when the other part demands more than you can give.
Source: Wikipedia